We were out drinking. He convinced me to wear a beaver costume. He took pictures and then the next day he said I looked cute and I told him I'm not cute, only puppies are cute. And now he's not talking with me anymore. He even returned the gift I left at his door!
( know when's a great time to have lingering worries that he keeps pushing off then finding haunting the fringes of his mind when he's needing to be calmer in order to handle the resentful energies he works with these days? during a campaign.
it's really after the most recent encounter, finding there's a new way people are being infected and while it's not hopeless, recovery for them will take months of active treatment that he ends up... tracking down his shijie one night, more than a little into his wine jar. or his third. he forgot at some point if he should keep count, so maybe it's more, but really, he didn't raid the stores. that's rude.
either way, before bed, he goes looking for Jiang Yanli, showing up with a soft smile and a: )
Shijie?
( if there's ever anyone to look to for advice, it will always be her. )
Come and sit with me. [She settles again, patting the spot beside her gently. ] I'm just used to it, I think, but if I can help, I will. What are you thinking about?
( He closes his eyes for a moment, soothed by the touch, so familiar through his remembered life. She's a peace and steadiness in this world that feels like anything but, especially after... ah. )
Mm, let's avoid all the nasty ones then. ( Opening his eyes, he straightens, scratching at one cheek with a finger as he hums a considering note. ) Shijie, how do you figure out what it is you want from another person? Or if you want anything from anyone?
Is there someone specific you're thinking about, A-Xian? [Her fingers still sliding over his hair as she considers the question. ] Maybe an easier way to look at it is, what would you want to do for this person? What would they add to your life that you don't already have?
Mm. ( so yes, someone specific. he sighs, presenting her with a pout that fades as he tries to actually answer her questions. ) That's so much thinking, shijie, am I any good at that? Which is part of the problem... I don't know that I have anything missing in my life. Friends, family, what else do I need? Do I want anything else? For this person, I'm willing to watch their back, fight at their side, but it's not like there's only one person I'd do that for, either. I don't want to... may not want to be... shijie. When is someone really nothing more than a terrible flirt?
I know you're devoted to our family, A-Xian and you'd do anything for myself of A-Cheng, but when it comes to your own happiness, what do you want out of life? If we were both happy and settled and you could do anything you wanted, what would you choose?
And who would you see by your side? [ Her fingers smooth through his hair lightly.]
You're not a flirt, A-Xian. You may not think everything through but I know you well enough to know that.
( The touch through his hair continues to be soothing, a balm to his thoughts. He breathes in, then out in a longer sigh, sitting up more properly after. )
Am I supposed to know that? Seeing you and Jiang Cheng in a good place, and happy more often than not, that's my happiness too.
( Open ended questions are harder for him, because he doesn't have thoughts that naturally flow that way. If both his important people were settled and happy, what would he want? To observe that happiness, to invent, to spend time with friends he mostly appears to have lost, alienated, or be held in some suspicion of now, and his eyes fall as he thinks... and he smiles, because he always does. )
Once Jiang Cheng felt confident enough, maybe I'd want to travel. Not to always be out there on the road, but there's so much to see, so many ideas of things I might have, ways of addressing problems that might have answers somewhere far from here... I guess aside from some trusty mount, someone who'd be fine with that.
( A more wry twist of his lips, and he ducks his head again, looking up at her. )
It's asking a lot of two people, isn't it? How can you bind yourself to just one cart for that long, if you don't know where you're going, or what the future's going to bring?
( When you're not the golden child you once were, and for various reasons, the ways you invent are no longer along the narrow frames of what you too once thought was only the Right way, the only most Valid Way, of walking the paths of cultivation. And how quickly would he return to it, if he had a golden core all over again? He doesn't know. )
The key is if you can trust that you'll be able to figure it out together, A-Xian. Do you trust them to be there beside you through whatever comes? Whether you stay in one place or travel, can you see them walking that path with you? [Yanli folds her hands in her lap, turning her head to watch him.]
You don't need to have all the answers right now, though. And do you even know what their plans might be?
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 12:38 pm (UTC)Hypothetically speaking.
If someone doesn't text you back anymore and then they return your not-an-apology-because-you-didn't-do-anything-wrong gift.
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Date: 2021-01-04 12:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 12:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 12:51 pm (UTC)We were out drinking. He convinced me to wear a beaver costume. He took pictures and then the next day he said I looked cute and I told him I'm not cute, only puppies are cute. And now he's not talking with me anymore. He even returned the gift I left at his door!
no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 01:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 01:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 01:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 01:13 pm (UTC)Why would he call me cute?
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Date: 2021-01-04 01:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 02:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 02:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-04 02:35 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2021-02-16 06:00 am (UTC)it's really after the most recent encounter, finding there's a new way people are being infected and while it's not hopeless, recovery for them will take months of active treatment that he ends up... tracking down his shijie one night, more than a little into his wine jar. or his third. he forgot at some point if he should keep count, so maybe it's more, but really, he didn't raid the stores. that's rude.
either way, before bed, he goes looking for Jiang Yanli, showing up with a soft smile and a: )
Shijie?
( if there's ever anyone to look to for advice, it will always be her. )
no subject
Date: 2021-02-16 06:02 am (UTC)A-xian? Is something wrong?
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Date: 2021-02-16 06:08 am (UTC)( he smiles, but the exhalation that's as much self-deprecation as a sort of almost amusement is prelude to answer enough. )
No, nothing wrong, just a head filled with thoughts for once.
( lips in a moue, he gives her a furrow browed, tucked chin look, purposefully young-seeming. )
How do you manage it all the time, shijie? Thinking so much.
( he says thinking, but he has one hand pressed dramatically over his heart. )
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Date: 2021-02-16 06:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-16 11:16 pm (UTC)Too much, too little, somewhere inbetween. There are other things I need to be focussed on.
( His touch of a dramatic sigh, and a half-smile he gives her, leaning in and ducking his head like he's asking for pats. )
Shijie.
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Date: 2021-02-16 11:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-16 11:25 pm (UTC)Mm, let's avoid all the nasty ones then. ( Opening his eyes, he straightens, scratching at one cheek with a finger as he hums a considering note. ) Shijie, how do you figure out what it is you want from another person? Or if you want anything from anyone?
no subject
Date: 2021-02-16 11:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-20 10:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-20 10:05 pm (UTC)And who would you see by your side? [ Her fingers smooth through his hair lightly.]
You're not a flirt, A-Xian. You may not think everything through but I know you well enough to know that.
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Date: 2021-02-23 06:37 am (UTC)Am I supposed to know that? Seeing you and Jiang Cheng in a good place, and happy more often than not, that's my happiness too.
( Open ended questions are harder for him, because he doesn't have thoughts that naturally flow that way. If both his important people were settled and happy, what would he want? To observe that happiness, to invent, to spend time with friends he mostly appears to have lost, alienated, or be held in some suspicion of now, and his eyes fall as he thinks... and he smiles, because he always does. )
Once Jiang Cheng felt confident enough, maybe I'd want to travel. Not to always be out there on the road, but there's so much to see, so many ideas of things I might have, ways of addressing problems that might have answers somewhere far from here... I guess aside from some trusty mount, someone who'd be fine with that.
( A more wry twist of his lips, and he ducks his head again, looking up at her. )
It's asking a lot of two people, isn't it? How can you bind yourself to just one cart for that long, if you don't know where you're going, or what the future's going to bring?
( When you're not the golden child you once were, and for various reasons, the ways you invent are no longer along the narrow frames of what you too once thought was only the Right way, the only most Valid Way, of walking the paths of cultivation. And how quickly would he return to it, if he had a golden core all over again? He doesn't know. )
no subject
Date: 2021-02-23 07:00 am (UTC)You don't need to have all the answers right now, though. And do you even know what their plans might be?
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